Monday, May 31, 2010

It's a Jungle Out There (no poker content)

Not Cute

I understand that raccoons are a part of nature, and we are all God's creatures.  I get that.  Really I do.  Any creatures that come in my house leave in a body bag though.  Stay off my fucking turf.

That goes for bugs too.  I don't mind bugs when I'm outside.  If I'm outside I'm hanging at their place then I'm respectful.  I can go camping and not freak the fuck out at the many bugs and moths that are part of the experience.  But if one flies into the house, rest assured he does not fly out.  I'm not one of those people that escort bugs to the door and bid them farewell.  It's time for that fucker to meet his maker.

I live near a woody area so my neighborhood is filled with squirrels, cats, foxes, skunks, wild turkeys, coyotes (yep), and the dreaded raccoons.  And if I'm to be totally honest (and I always am) I'm not a big fan of animals, wild or otherwise. That being said, I've been called the crazy cat lady more than once because I used to feed all the cats in my neighborhood. (what if they're homeless!)  And yes, my son and I also feed all the birds and squirrels that have a taste for peanut butter. I just don't like them up in my personal space, like IN MY HOUSE.

The house is old.

There's a spare room that was converted into my son's toy room, and it's filled to the brim with toys.  He doesn't actually play in there, it's more a storage house for legos, guns, pokemon cards etc.  Anyway, at one point we could hear a scratching noise coming from the ceiling of this room, and sometimes the ceiling tiles would quiver during the scratching noises. (not a good sign)  We figured we had a squirrel in the ceiling/roof but didn't really do anything about it.

The ceiling in this room is super old and it's not really a room we spend time in.

One Saturday morning Sugar Bear (my sweet son) and I were sitting on the couch watching TV and heard a bang come from the toy room, which is 2 rooms away.  We looked at each other, like "What the heck was that?" and continued to watch the movie.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw something walk into the room and it was the biggest fucking raccoon I have ever seen in my life.

It took a couple of seconds to comprehend what I was seeing and at first I thought it was a small black bear.  It was that fucking big.

Sugar Bear and I are speechless and motionless but Rocky Raccoon is not.  He strolls in like nothing's amiss, glances at us and walks a little further along past us.  I grab my son and we scoot out behind him and make it to the kitchen and back door.  In the kitchen I become frozen to one spot and I freak out.

How the fuck do I get a giant raccoon out of the house??????

I run to the front of the house and open the front door.  There - that's done.  Then I high tail it back to the kitchen and open back door.  Unfortunately Rocky's in the living room and there are no doors there.  There's a window though and he tries it unsuccessfully.

At this point I am literally a babbling idiot.  I am talking to myself and self hasn't come up with any brilliant ideas yet.  Sugar Bear takes my hand and says Mom it's just a raccoon.  Not it's not JUST a raccoon, it's a raccoon and a mother having a nervous breakdown.  I think Sugar Bear realizes this.  He says "Let's go out the back door and go to Neighbor Sue's house.  Maybe we can call Vinnie (her ex-hubby who works for the town's dpw). 

I dunno.  I'm freaking the fuck out and I don't know what Rocky's doing in the living room.  Leaving DOES sound like a good idea though and seeing as I don't have ANY ideas, we're gonna go with the kid's.

We exit the back door and as we're on the path that heads toward the street and the front of the house, I walk straight into Rocky!!!  He found the front door and decided he wasn't staying for dinner. (obviously not a fan of Italian food)

But when I see him I scream at the top of my lungs and he shows his teeth much like the photo above. I turn and head back for the back door and all of a sudden we're BACK in the house.  Did Rocky come back in too, via the front door?  I dunno but I'm about to have a heart attack. (and i'm barefoot and in a nightgown during all of this fyi)

Sugar Bear tells me to sit down.  Shuts the front and back doors and tells me we're fine.

Rocky's big ass caused about 1/4 of the ceiling in the toy room to come down.  Fawk.  I wonder if he'll be back - what with the huge fucking hole in the ceiling, I'm thinking I don't want Rocky back up there.

Cost about $300 to have Rocky taken away because yes, he tried to come back home.  He was hauled away in a metal cage to be released far away in a meadow filled with bunnies and frogs.  Just ask Sugar Bear if you don't believe me.

Speaking of Sugar Bear, my partner in crime, he really is an honest to goodness animal lover.  Ugh.  Frigging polar opposite of Mama in that respect.  I like feeding them and watching them from the safety of my window.  That's our MO.  It makes Sugar Bear happy so it works for me.

One day we looked out our window to see (3) very HUGE wild turkeys on our property.  Score!  Sugar Bear couldn't have been more thrilled than if Santa himself was out there.  I tell him "Let's feed the turkeys!!"  "Can I do it?" he asks.

Of course he can.  I don't want to be near those beasts anyway.

I send him outside with a paper plate filled with torn up bread pieces and tell him to toss the bread to the turkeys and not get too close.  "I'll be watching you from the porch!"  Mama ain't no idiot.

So I see him traipse towards the birds leaving a trail of bread, which he starts tossing. 

Not a good idea

Turkeys fly you know!

One of them flies up and perches on top of a minvan.  The 2 other turkeys and Sugar Bear are beneath it.  I start thinking this isn't so good.  He leaps off the van and lunges for my angel while squawking at him (it didn't sound like gobbling).

This time it's Sugar Bear that's frozen.  Turkey is angry and is starting to run toward SB.  SB doesn't move an inch.  They're face to face and suddenly SB starts SCREAMING at it.  Nose to nose, no one backing down...both about the same height.  They're in the street and I'm watching this from the front porch.

Okay maybe I should've gotten off the porch and taken a swing at that turkey, but I didn't.

Instead I start screaming "Run, SB, Run!!!".  The sound of my voice gets him moving finally and he's hightailing it to the porch but so is the turkey!!!

He's bounding up the steps and Turkey is close behind.  I consider what the fuck to do.  Front door is wide open and I'm thinking that fucking turkey is gonna follow him in.  Do I close the door and lock both out? I actually consider this but I won't be getting any mother of the year awards if I do that!

SB is horrified and motors past me into the house....turkey sees me and hesitates which is all we needed - it gives me time to get the fuck in the house too before the turkey could follow.

It's a frigging jungle out there!



Cricket said...

Funny story!

I thought you were going to tell about the one where you come home, and the raccoon and his friends are smoking cigars and playing Texas Holdem, and spitting and just being awful! ;p

dbcooper said...

Great story. Made me laugh so hard.

Memphis MOJO said...

too funny

Josie said...

Thanks guys! Glad you got a laugh. btw played with the brothers and sisters last night (L&BM) and ended up down $17....river killed me twice for big money.

Lucki Duck said...

Great post VJ! Keep 'em coming!

Josie said...

Aw thanks Ducky! much appreciated.

The Neophyte said...

Funny story Josie, thanks for sharing.