All Good Things

I'm giving you the heads up that I'm not posting anymore.  I just don't feel it anymore and don't know why I'm expending time and energy doing this when my time would be better spent elsewhere.

It's been quite a ride though, eh?

Thank you all for reading all of my words about my hopes, dreams, frustrations etc.

and please, above all else, don't forget....

Play smart.

Josie

Worst Burrito Ever

This made me laugh on the bus like a crazy person.  Hat tip: Poker Grump

Dear guy who just made my burrito:

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM TO ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans cannot usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito and not a multi-stage rocket to the planet Fucking Disgustingupiter.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing life a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer this nonsense. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

OMG This guy cracks me up.  *smile*   Josie

Sun Shiny Day

Good morning!

The sun is shining, and I'm drinking a hot cup of coffee and eating a pistachio muffin.  Mmmmmmmmmmmm  I figure it's a good time to catch you up on what's what.

I'm sure you've read it yourself but Gary is getting better and better.  Yay Gary!  He told me he was flipping cards yesterday as part of his therapy.  You know what that means?  HE CAN PLAY POKER!  That's what I think anyway, unless he's a chicken! Buck-Buck!  Of course, I'll wait until he's home and all.

Cranky-licious and I went to see Gary last week.  It was great to see her as well!  She picked me up near work and I almost didn't make it into her car. 

She drives a Honda Element but its insides are modified to accomodate her wife's wheelchair.  (note* Very Josie's needs where never taken into consideration when this decision was made.)  So Anywhoo, because of this, I had to ride in the back, and um, I had to GET in the back.  Remember the bad knees?  Remember I'm short?

It was a huge step up to get into the back and um, my knee was saying "um nope" but then Cranky "gave me a hand" and put me into the back seat.  See illustration below.

(Grrr the photo thingy isn't working!)
When we got to the hospital Gary was in full act mode.  This was Cranky's first visit so Gary decided to act like a drooling idiot. (anyone?) It was so mean!  Poor Cranky took it in stride until Gary started laughing.  We had a great visit with a lot of laughs.

As for football...I had my biggest number on Thursday night's game and I won.  *whew*  I really need a big week.  I have this week and next week until the half year totals are in and I need to make up some points.  I'm 30points behind first place and I have (2) side bets going on...with guys who lose year after year but this year the 3 of us are within 5 points of each other.  All those upsets really effed with me.

Adam, a guy I used to work with, has always lost to me in this league and now he's 4 points ahead of me.  WTF.  Hopefully he'll be owing me $20 in 2 weeks. 

And the other guy...the guy that runs the pool...the guy who named it Anyone Wins But Josie....that fucker.  He came in 2nd place last week and now he has a couple more points than I do.  I need to stop this bleeding.

Below are my picks for this week.

12 Patriots

11 Bears
10 Oakland
09 Minn
08 Packers
07 Giants
06 Cinncy
05 Tampa Bay
04 Houston
03 Cleveland
02 Cowboys
01 Buffalo*

* I almost went with Tennessee for this game but before I did, I consulted with my Tennessean Expert. He convinced me that Tennessee would lose.  He said they onl won last week because the other team sucked ass.  No, that's not an exact quote, but close enough for government work.  I swear if I lose my 1 Point, someone is in big effing trouble!  Every point counts right now.

BTW WAFFLES was just posting about how his doctor wants his Vitamin D checked.  Weird, because Evan's doctor just called.  Evan had a physical last week and it seems his Vitamin D levels are very low.  Doctor said it was not related to diet at all but Sugar Bear needs to be outside more. So he's taking vitamin d twice a week and spent yesterday cleaning the back yard.  Doctors FTW!

Josie

PS I'm sure I'm bursting with Vitamin D, what with all the laying in the sun this summer.

Hump Day!

I dunno if you can tell by the photo above, but this post isn't about poker; it's about Wednesday! It's Wednesday...and man am I tired and achy. The knee thing just isn't going away and I think it may be time to get the ole cortizone like shot in my knees.  I chickened out the last time the ortho doctor offered it.

"We can do it right now!"

I'm normally not a chicken but the thought of jamming a needle INTO my knee joint....my already achingly painful knee joint, was just too much so I didn't.  Now I'm thinking differently.  I'm sure it's still acting up because I've just been ignoring it, like I would a naughty child.  I will  NOT entertain bad behavior from kids or knees and tend to not give out attention for negativity, which is why I went to the mall last night.

Actually, I went to the mall cuz Sugar Bear asked me too.  He's decided he needs loads of sweat pants because they're more comfy to wear to school than jeans.  Ack!  He does have a couple of pairs but whatever, I told him I'd go get him a new pair.  As I was leaving he said...

"Mom, I need FIVE pairs of sweatpants.  Get me 5 of them PLEASE."

"What? Um, no."

"YOU HAVE TO."

So I went and shopped.  I started with Old Navy thinking they'd be cheaper there but they were $20.  I grabbed one pair.  Then onto Aeropostale and the sweatpants there (the cool ones) were on sale for $18! Originally priced at $30, so I got him 2 pairs and hobbled home.  (okay maybe not hobbled but close.  I like to be dramatic!)

I thought 3 pairs was very generous of me, but I knew a certain someone who wouldn't be of the same opinion.  I got home and said "I bought you a pair of sweatpants." (technically true)

Did you get me 5 pairs?

NO

Did you get me 4 pairs?

NO

Did you get me 3 pairs?

YES

YAYYYYY!

I told him that when I was a kid Nana would never in a million years get me 5 pairs of any pants just because I asked and he was very lucky to get 3 at once.  Plus I was achy and all I wanted to do was NOT go to the mall but stay home.

Speaking of not staying home, guess where I'm going today after work?  I'm leaving work early because Cranky Baby is picking me up and we're going to visit Gary!  Yes, The Crafty Southpaw! 

Ahhh another blogger being my driver.  :)  I can so get used to this.  Cranky you're in good company with Gary, Poker Grump, Rob the Tit Guy, Waffles and Wolfie - my most favorite driver of all.  So we're heading down to the biggest little state in the union to spread cheer and whatnot.

BTW Gary's doing great!  When I first saw him he was in really tough shape but even then I knew and I think I told him, that he would be okay.  The best news of all is Gary passed a swallow test yesterday.  (heh - insert dirty joke) which means for the first time in two weeks he was going to be able to eat something for dinner!  That "something" was a chocolate malted courtesy of his wifey.  Can you imagine not drinking or eating anything for two weeks?  Me neither, but the fucker looks like he lost a TON of weight.  Damn!  I need a doctor to stop me from putting things in my mouth too!  (dirty joke in 3-2-1....)

Plus he's going home in a couple of weeks, his voice sounds better every time I talk to him and he's walking!  Huge, huge progress.

BTW When I last visited him (with Cricket!) he was wearing a Very Josie tshirt, which he won from winning my private tourney on full tilt years ago.  Awwww Of course I was complaining that he isn't available to drive me around lately (natch) and he replied....from his wheel chair..."Well maybe I could drive an automatic..." lol

Hmmm what else is going on on Hump Day? I want to spread some cheer on Waffles.  He's just so down and overwhelmed by everything.  I think it all really sucks.  So everyone, go visit Waffles' blog to cheer him up.  Just tell him he's sexy.  That ought to do it.

Ack, it's still only Wednesday.  I wish it was the weekend or better yet, next week.

Hump smart.

Josie

Dream a Little Dream of Me

“I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.”  -- Winnie the Pooh

First of all, a little insight into my day.  It starts at 6am (at the latest!) and even though I get home by 5:30 after I've made dinner, helped with homework, and made a half assed attempt at cleaning up, it's usually 8pm before I get to relax a bit.  So what I'm saying is it's a looooong day.  That coupled with my continually messed up sleep means I get very very tired when my day is done.

So last night I fell asleep too early while watching Larry Crowne.  I went off to bed at some point only to be awakened at 4:30am....while in the midst of a dream about....

POKER GRUMP! 
 
A very vivid dream, which I remember!  Wanna hear all about it?  Okay!   A companion and I were in a forest type area and we were searching for Poker Grump.  It seems he was missing and we needed him very very much.  I don't know who the companion was except he was a guy....a guy I didn't know.  We were searching in a sort of panicky way, looking behind trees and bushes - looking everywhere for Poker Grump. 

Finally, I saw something by the river.  It was a pair of glasses and I remember being certain that they were Poker Grump's!  The companion was skeptical but I was sure....even though the glasses looked a lot like the ones in the pic above, which in actuality are not what Grump's glasses look like.  Any how.....   The skeptical companion put on Poker Grump's glasses and BOOM, they're magic glasses! 

It was like he became Poker Grump with all of Poker Grump's thoughts.  It was so cool, I obviously wanted to try on the glasses too, but nope, the mean companion kept them on his face and ran away.   I woke up as I was chasing him.  

Weird, huh? 

I think I dreamt about Poker Grump because I was thinking about him earlier in the day.  I started a new book about a young boy and as I read it, I kept picturing the young boy as Grump as a young boy.  I was thinking....he's like a boy Poker Grump!   Alright, I have a few more minutes left of my lunch and I'm going back to the book about the young boy Poker Grump, aka Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.    

*yawn*  

Josie

Efff Ewe Steelers

The Steeler suck! Suck, suck, suck.  That being said, I've lost my 13 because of them on Thursday night.  It killed me to give them such a big number but I had to go with the odds.  No more, though.  They're dead to me now.

That being said, below are my foozeball picks.

14 Atlanta not Oak
13 Pissburgh not Ten
12 Pats not Seattle
11 Ari not Buff
10 TB not KC
09 Bal not Dal
08 Phil not Det (they suck like pissburgh so I expect a loss)
07 SF not NYG
06 Hou not GB
05 Was not Min
04 Mia not STL
03 Cin not Cle
02 NYJ not Indy
01 SD not Denver

If I'd been blogging I would've told you about the great night out with my sister.  We went to Shecky's Girls Night Out and she almost got into a fist fight WITH A WOMAN over a parking spot. I looked over and she had this "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry" look on her face and the woman who approached her driver's side window?  She backed the fuck away.  I would've too.  I'm still a little afraid and I'll be seeing my sis in about an hour at my mom's house.  Remind me not to piss her off!

Play smart.

Josie

Top Ten

Very Josie's Top Ten List of things that are going on....

1.  Gary is doing better.  His speech is much improved and he was able to stand for a bit with a cane and was sitting in a chair for a while.  Progress!  He'll be moving to a rehab center soon where he'll get 6 hrs of therapy a day.  I did pass on all your well wishes to him.

Gary:  Did you blog about my stroke?

Josie:  Of course!  I didn't like how all the comments WEREN'T about me though.

2.  Tonight I'm going to Shecky's Girls Night Out with my sister and two of her friends. We've gone in the past and had a blast.  It's sort of like a trade show for new jewelry, make up, spa products, snacks, energy drinks, sunglasses, booze....yes, that's right.  I said booze.  Everyone who attends gets 3 tickets for 3 free drinks that they want you to try.  The thing was, last year the bartenders didn't take our tickets so we kept going up.  Talk about getting trashed.  I'm sure that's good for their business because they do want to sell.  The best part is everyone who goes gets a huge goodie bag full of swag.  I remember being barely able to carry the bag around because it was so heavy.  Yum! 

3.) Day before yesterday I was walking to the bus stop and this older woman had a huge dog on a leash.  As I approached the dog started growling at me, baring his teeth and lunging toward me.  I thought "The only thing stopping me from being his dinner is the strength of that old lady".  She was talking to the beast in baby talk "Oh now, don't be rude to the lady..."

4.) Yesterday I was walking to the bus IN THE RAIN and a woman pulled over and asked me if I wanted a ride.  She didn't look familiar at all, and in my mind I was contemplating which was the lesser of two evils:  walking in the rain or making small talk with a woman I didn't know.  I chose the ride.

She asked me where I live and she was all "I know you! You used to be a stay at home mom with a little boy and then you went back to work and I don't see you much."  Hmmmm this bitch knows me! Then she asked when I moved into the house.

1998!

No, it couldn't have been then.  It had to be after 2000.

Seriously?  She thinks she knows better as to when I moved in?  I explained that I was 8 months pregnant when we moved in and my baby boy was born in 1998.  She still didn't believe me.

5.) Ahem.  Anyone notice the new addition to the banner at the top?  Particularly the strongest hand in poker: the mighty Jack Ten!  Ain't it pretty?

6.) Football: I'm in 2nd place in Waffles league, 8 points behind Sebastian and in my big league I'm in 5th place....treading water.  Maybe a point or two better than last week. I'll post my picks tomorrow.

7.) A mistake of epic proportions:  my ipod music and Evan's somehow (me) got combined so Evan has all of my music on his ipad, in addition to his own and vice versa.  If you ask me this ain't such a bad thing.  It means I have a ton of Red Hot Chili Peppers, Beatles and um, weird Al Yankovic.  Evan thinks it's a tragedy to have a little Billy Joel, Elton John, John Mellencamp, Holly Cole, Rob Thomas, Jewel, Christina Aguilera and U2 at his disposal.  He calls it 80's music.  Hmpfh!  Only SOME of it is.  In fact, most of it isn't!  80's music would be Paula Abdul.  Oh wait, I do have C&C Music Factory too...

8.) I played The Dank last night because FullHouse538 was kind enough to email me and remind me and guess what?  He won!  Congrats baby! I lasted about an hour but last night I really really really wanted to go to bed so much more than I wanted to play.  So why did I play?  Just to be socialable and say hi.

9.)  Major accomplishment!  See the chicky below?

She's been wearing her hair in a bun like that FOR THIRTY YEARS.  And no Poker Grump, that's not an exaggeration or hyperbole.  She literally has worn it in a bun for all that time, since she was 30 years old.  I've been telling her she needs to join us in this century and get it cut.  I told her I'd go with her.  I told her I'd have my sister cut.  I recommended which styles would look good on her.  Heck I even supplied her with photos.  Well, let's just say it took two years, but the tail wagged the dog.  She came into work Tuesday morning with her hair cut.  She was frigging unrecognizable!  The whole office was abuzz.  She said the man at the corner store was in shock.   Below is the pic I gave her:

The guy got it close.  I did see a couple of things to change for her next cut, but bottom line is she loves it and looks so much younger.  Everyone kept asking her why the drastic change and her answer was "Josie just kept insisting I do it, for two years!"  Listen to Auntie Josie people! 
10.) In work we (not me) are participating in Can-struction.  It's an annual competition where architects/engineers build something entirely out of cans of food.  At the end of the competition all the cans get donated to the Greater Boston Food Bank so it's a great cause.  This year's theme is "toys" so my firm is building a giant battleship, like from the game Battleship, entirely out of cans...even the pegs on top!  I'll take pics when it's done to show you.

xoxo

Josie